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With that here is my story:.JPG)
My story begins when I met my now ex husband. We met and moved in together much too quickly. Problems began right away, he got a job in a local hotel and about three weeks into it, there was a phone call from the receptionist there asking me and pleading that my boyfriend was torturing her everyday and asking her to go out with him and she had said no so many times, but just won’t leave me alone!
Could not believe what I was hearing of course, big fight on his return and he talked me round “she’s a slapper”. Blah! Blah! Sadly I sucked it in.
That was just the beginning of it all.
Then he had a one-night stand with his old girlfriend telling her he wanted to get back with her and finish with me. She sadly also believed his lies, his controlling manipulative ways born out of insecurities as a man and as a person!
Month or so later, fed up with his constant flirting, throwing himself at girls in my company, I ended it, which would be for one of many occasions. His response, an overdose of pills, ending up in hospital having stomach pumped. Yes that’s right, took him back. I know, but anyone who has been there will know what I mean when I say, I felt wow he loves me so much, he would rather be dead than be without me or what if he does it again, it will be my fault!!
Gradually the mental and physical abuse started, was so smalland so subtle to begin with, that before I realised what was happening, I was lost, gone. I wasn’t me anymore. Thought he broke me mentally and to many people, family and friends, reading and learning this for the first time, there are lots of you who will be shocked, cause of the person I am, which was a glamour model, good looking, confident, but yes he nearly broke me. I was just very good at pretending, acting and hiding even hiding from myself. With him, he comes across as sweetness and light, well anyone who has experienced this you will know, that’s the biggest problem people are often so shocked when they find out, and you end up feeling like you’re the liar, your mad or the fool.
Crazy as it sounds, I married him, always believing he would change, or that it was me, all in my head.
My wedding, (Yes I did don’t ask me why, I ask myself that every day.) We decided to get married quickly and did so in 6wks, so I didn’t have time to really think. Until the night before, I told him, no I can’t do this, don’t want to. The next day we said we wouldn’t sign the register, to keep face, we did. Then argued all day and I told him I don’t want to be married, I’m getting an annulment. In the bridal suite he stabbed his hand with a glass that he broke severing an artery, we grabbed towels, got a taxi and rushed to hospital(married on Christmas eve). He got 2/3 stitches while I sat there with my wedding dress and shoes covered in blood. Back at the hotel, he just explained that he had an accident and I cried myself to sleep. Back home I threw my wedding ring into the fire.
Continued to stumble on through the motions, me hoping I wouldn’t wake up, then I find out I’m pregnant with my wee man. Start panicking but get used to it until he announces I’m leaving you don’t love you anymore. You would think I would have been happy but I was terrified and had no confidence. He left and after a while I thought right its just me and my baby so decided to move fresh start looking round to buy a home this one as it turns out and of course sees me stronger coping without him and I love you I want you back yes foolishly I did fear of being alone with a new baby etc.
Moved into my dream home and then my wee man was born. Thought maybe change him but no. Not long after that tell him want out and he drives his car into our house trying to kill himself (again) crashing into the utility room knocking down the wall and throwing washer and dryer all around. Yes he was unharmed! Then he goes back home to his parents leaving me with the mess (like to add that there is no permanent damage to house, all repaired!!)
Stumbled on took him back after made promises of change. Our son needs him. I know I can hear imagine what you are all thinking. Stupid mad bitch don’t do it but I did. I just felt it was me I was to blame that’s where he had got me to so low.
Then we opened up a small business and I was so low so depressed I couldn’t even work in it so tired. So took care of wee man while he became the big guy in the picture. So instead of running our business for a better family life every day he went round to the woman he was having an affair with and the business just deteriorated. By the time I found out about the affair and kicked him out. I couldn’t save the business and had to close, while he in turn took another overdose, though this time he nearly died and was flown by air ambulance to England for treatment which he got..
Well I’m now happily divorced and free and I’m the person I used to be and love life and love me. My son is just great and does see his dad where I take as little to do with him as possible! I made it and whatever happens I know I will be great. Myself and my son are super I have great friends and family and I’m thankful every day.
My wee “Ardoyne” granny once told me”It doesn’t matter what windows your looking out of as long as your smiling”. I smile every day.
With that I would like to give thanks and acknowledgement to all the people who helped me get to me.
My son my wee bear who I love with every heartbeat. You are the reason I get up every day. When you hug me its like looking up at the stars at night with awe. Thank you for loving me not just as your mummy but as me. xx
My family, thank you for your constant help and support with our wee man. Love you all in your weird and wacky ways!
Brenda Tighe, an amazing counsellor and friend. Thank you for helping me come out of the darkness. Without you, I would still be wearing my big coat. Thank you. xx
Margret, my wee mad drinking friend, and so much more. Always there listening with an
open mind, open heart and hey! A full glass of wine! Here’s to more mad nights and great memories. I love you Mrs!
Sonya The most beautiful post woman in Dundalk. Also knows as “the babe”, we have shared a lot over the years, you were never far away when I needed you, even in your own pain. I love you, Mrs thanks”.
Tom the man who taught me that you can still be friends with and trust men Thanks tom, even when you were so busy, or in the other end of the world you always had time for me Thank you.
Margret S. A wise friend who I miss very much.
Irwin. A good man, with great advice and a good head. Once told me” no night is too dark to stop the dawn” Thank you.xx
Danny (St Patrick himself) our unusal friendship has lasted longer than most marriages. You truly are a good kind man. Thank you.
Daniel (wee jebus from the holy land) you taught me that I can be truly loved the way I hoped, dreamed and deserved, and that I too can love again. When we met we were both lost, and helped each other find our peace. You will always have a special place in my heart. Thank you. xxx
And finally to my mad stinky dogs, all of whom are rescue animals and needed lots of love, walking them everyday, so did a lot of my thinking with our dander’s and helped me heal. Great wondrous spirits of love who never want nothing more than to love you and a wee pat on their wee heads.
All of my animals came from the amazing” Antrim Animal Santuary” great people doing great things!
Mutley (king of the road)Champ(wonder dog)Heather(flossy)Steptoe(sheriff step toe)Ben(big ben) Holly(wee woman)and not forgetting Moses the cat(mosey posey).
Thank you to everyone and to God and the universe for helping me find peace with my soul.